MILLENNIUM "The Empire Strikes Out" by Shiver (carrolln@infomatch.com) AKA "If George Lucas Wrote Fanfic..." --- If George Lucas wrote Millennium... (With thanks to everyone who was on IRC that night) *** Frank Black investigates a murder of a prominent baseball player in: THE EMPIRE STRIKES OUT A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... The plot so far: Frank "Skywalker" Black and the forces of the Rebel Alliance/Millennium group retreat to their secret base on Mount Baker (Ahh... The Mountain) unaware that the dastardly forces of Sgt. Pepper’s "Lonely Demons" Dark band (AKA MOS - Minions of Satan) are planning a counter attack. To summarize: Frank and Mike Atkins ride out on what appear to be two shaggy carpets with horns, to investigate what appears to be a perfectly ordinary murder case, involving a baseball player. Atkins: Well, he’s dead all right. I guess that means the Blue Jays are out of the World Series. What do you think, Frank? (Frank looks around the room sorting through his completely non-psychic visions, which have now been digitally enhanced, giving a couple more seconds of footage that you miss anyway and only the real FANS who have seen this movie a hundred times notice the difference, but they would have paid to see the rerelease anyway...) Frank: The Blue Jays never had a chance. Atkins: About the body, Frank. (Frank studies the corpse) He’s still dead, Mike. Atkins: That’s what I thought. But what about the murderer? Frank: I think he is a Pepperpawn. This murder is the handiwork of MOS. It has Phoestus written all over it. Atkins: Did you pick that up in one of those non-psychic visions of yours? Frank: No, I just looked at the walls, which have Phoestus (Faustus misspelled) written all over them. Atkins(studies walls) Looks like he was practicing his signature. Frank: He probably wants to open a chequing account... Atkins: No intransitive verbs. The murderer wrote this of his own free will. Frank: He’s aiming this message at me. Atkins: Don’t be silly, Frank, you’re getting paranoid. Just because Pepper sends you Polaroids and slaughters your friends in your basement doesn’t mean he’s targeted you in particular. This murder has nothing to do with you. Frank: Then why did the murderer write: "Take that Frank! Try and solve this one. Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! - Pepper" In bloody ten foot letters on the wall? Atkins: It’s probably a message for somebody else, whose name also happens to be Frank. It’s a common name. Look at it in terms of probability. If one person in a hundred is named Frank, and one person in 1000 is named Pepper, then it’s hypothetically possible that this message was left for some other guy called "Frank" who just happens to have an enemy named Pepper who is in the habit of leaving ten-foot high messages in blood on the walls of a crime scene. Frank: I hope you’re right. Atkins: Do you have a profile of this guy yet? Frank: He’s insane. Atkins: How’d you figure that Frank? Frank: He attacks his victims with a pogo stick, ties them up in Xmas lights, smears them with red paint, throws a brown towel over them and rolls them up in a white sheet. He is objectifying them, choosing to view them, not as human beings, but as peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Then he electrocutes them. That, to me, is a sure sign of someone who wears his underwear on his head. That isn’t to say he isn’t a perfectly normal, nice, well-adjusted human being. It’s just that he’s, you know, a sadistic murderer who views people as sandwiches. Atkins: I see. I think we should be getting back now... (Shiver’s capsule summary: after leaving the crime scene Frank is mugged by something resembling a giant hairy carpet that proceeds to "objectify" Frank’s mount. After witnessing the mutilation of his mount, Frank provides the Carpet with a 1 800 number, which the Carpet then refuses to call. Frustrated, Frank whacks the carpet with what appears to be a rather long glowstick (TM) and flees before the Carpet "objectifies" Frank too. The DFOE (Dreaded Forces of Evil) attack the rebel base, leading to more digitally enhanced effects and lots of things going "boom." The Rebels flee, and Frank, at the prompting of a non-psychic vision(TM) lands on the wet and soggy planet of Syaddle, where he meets up with the old Cheddar master Peeda (Watts)- many scenes later, Frank has yet another non-psychic vision(TM) which tells him that his family is in trouble.) Frank: They’re in pain! Peeda: It is the future you see... Frank: I must go to them! Peeda: Not ready are you. If you go now, never shall you return. Frank: And stop talking like that! Subject-verb-noun. Get it right! Peeda: Face Pepper you must. Beware the Dark Side of the Gift! Anger! Depression! Correctly guessing winning lottery ticket numbers! Finishing other people’s sentences before they say them! The Dark Side of the Gift are these! Frank: Okay. And don’t worry about me being you’re last hope... Peeda: I wasn’t worried. You see Frank, there is another... Frank (has vision): Catherine’s my SISTER? Oh S***!!! (Shivers capsule summary: a lot of stuff happens. On to the final confrontation...) (Frank and Pepper are facing each other on the ledge of a Seattle apartment building. It’s windy, and quite high up. Slight chance of showers. Highs up to 9 degrees, 4 inland.) Pepper: Join us Frank! Join the Dark Side! Frank (edging backwards): I’ll never join you! Pepper: C’mon Frank, please? We’ll give you Air Miles... Frank: Never! Pepper: Pretty please with sugar on top? Frank: No! Pepper(dangerously): Bletch never told you what happened to your father... Frank: What do you mean? Pepper: Frank, I am your father. Frank (studies him): No you’re not. Pepper: Made you look! Frank: Your pathetic attempts at dramatic effect do not impress me, Peppy. Pepper: Yeah? Well you’re... You’re a psychic. Frank: No I’m NOT! Psychics are strange people who have weird visions and see the future and solve murders just by walking on the crime scene and visualizing the murder...(stops in sudden horror) Wait... Pepper(gleefully): Told you so! Frank(wails) Noooooooo! (twisted Mark Hamil gopher face): BOB! Bob! Why didn’t you tell me???!! Ghost of Bob Bletcher appears: Because I wasn’t psychic! Duh! (Pepper chops Frank’s hand off with glowstick) Frank (watching hand tumble down apartment building) Nooooooo! My scar!!! Bletch: Use the Gift Frank. (Frank falls off apartment building.) Bletch: Typical. (Shiver’s capsule summary: Catherine, of course, hears Frank’s mental cries for help and drives the red jeep to pick him up. She tells Frank that Mike Atkins has been industrially microwaved by the dastardly Pepper and turned over to bounty hunters. The last scene is of Frank and Catherine staring out the window into the night... and THE CREDITS ROLL